This is the predominantly factual story of how I was very nearly murdered to death, in Reykjavik, by Yoko Ono. I would consider this a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn’t personally know Yoko, or for anyone who occasionally enjoys going outdoors. Or I guess both of those types of people, but I can’t imagine such a person.
Picture it, a sunny summer day in Reykjavik. The classic blue sky type of day, the kind where seagulls drift on those warm air things like they do. In short, it was a nice day. I had been downtown all day long. My time was mostly spent loitering, with just a sprinkle of strolling about. Needless to say, after a long day of such risky business I was ready to head home and sit around. In an innocent attempt to save a few minutes off the walk back to my hostel, I cut through the grounds of Perlan. For those not familiar with it, Perlan is a giant domey like structure in Reykjavik, and it’s surrounded by some woodlands. Obviously, prime shortcut taking material.
I was hiking along the illogically organized trails around Perlan on my way home. Being a person of such complete innocence, I was oblivious to the very concept of any danger to myself. I had spotted the trail that went more or less in the direction I wanted, and started down it. I was then suddenly startled and amazed to see a blast of steaming hot water shoot up from the ground. This towering geyser must have gone a solid five meters into the sky! Obviously, this was a clever trap set to spring as I walked past. Only through a subtle combination of brilliant luck, and my own beaver like instincts, did I manage to avoid this boiling cannon of death! Perhaps also aided in part by Yoko’s famous ineptitude for trap setting. I mean seriously, every knows she totally sucks at traps. As the steaming tower of deadly water slowly subsided I began to run down my mental list of jerks that might be trying to murder me that day. You know, the usual suspects sort of thing. I came up empty. Except for one name! It occurred to me that this was Yoko Ono’s land and that quite obviously she would still have that grudge against me. Yoko had just tried to use a giant steam cannon trap to boil me to death! How totally rude is that?! Her name should be legally changed from Yoko Ono to Rudy Huxtable. That’s how rude it was.
Once I’d calmed my nerves with some warm water and a piece of gum, I remembered that Perlan wasn’t Yoko Ono’s dealy at all. Her light tower tourism scenario is called the Imagine Peace Tower* and is located on an island outside of Reykjavik. This fact made it all the more obvious that she was the mastermind behind this murder attempt. Seriously, who would try to murder someone at their own tourist attraction? That would be entirely too suspicious (I know you’re reading this, Dolly Parton). Unless of course it were on CSI: Miami because that is the worst show in the world, and they would eagerly run a plot that lame. We all know it. How does that show even stay on the air?!
Anyways, yea, so that’s how it all happened. The facts and events are now all out on the table for everyone to see. For evidence sake, I waited around a few minutes for the death trap to spring on the next people, and took this photo. Here is the photo of the actual geyser used in Yoko’s weak attempt on my life. As you gaze upon this image, take a moment to be thankful that I’m still alive. You’ll probably want to spend a few moments on that thought actually. It’s cool if you tear up a little bit too. I know I would.
Oooh yea, this is a cute bunny I saw on the grounds around Perlan moments before the geyser incident described above. Consider this picture to be completely irrelevant from the aforementioned sordid event, and exclude it from evidence. See how it looks like she was trying to warn me though? We should all learn to listen more closely to bunny warnings. As you would rightly expect, I’ve named the bunny, Katherine. Which is obviously after the name of the mom in the 1976 original movie, The Omen.
* I want to tell you that I have exactly no clue what Yoko Ono has to do with Reykjavik.